Archive for May, 2014
An Abundance of Time, No Time to Waste
I had an abundance of free time.
After I quit my job and returned home from my summer writing program, I had things to do. Those things just didn’t take up much time. The startup business that I co-founded moved very slowly. I met with my business partner once each week and I completed the tasks I was responsible for in a few hours in between those meetings. And, I started writing a book. But I was only able to write for an hour or two a day before the part of my brain responsible for getting coherent sentences onto my PC would shut off.
That left a lot of free time.
I’d wake up in the morning, make tea, meditate, and then…
Exactly. And then what?
Exercise most days. Go to a writing group, visit a friend for lunch, read, or take a walk. Attend meetings for associations I belong to. Read poetry at open mic events. A little consulting and volunteering here and there. I took an eight-week improv acting class, visited three wild animal rescue centers, traveled to Idaho for a retreat and took two trips to California.
It wasn’t that I was wasting time. In fact I refused to waste time by watching tv, aimlessly surfing the web, playing games on my phone or doing anything that didn’t feel meaningful. I refused to be busy for the sake of distracting myself. And so without much distraction, I had A LOT of time to experience a full range of thoughts and feelings that otherwise I wouldn’t have time for.
It felt like I was on an endless silent retreat, left alone with my thoughts and feelings.
Some feelings were positive. Getting plugged into the Seattle writing community was fun and interesting, and sometimes I felt happy and excited about the projects I was working on. But I often felt uncertain and doubtful about whether I was spending my time on the right things. Should I be traveling more or volunteering overseas, since I had so much flexibility? There were plenty of hours when I was restless and wanted something else to do besides work on my business or write, but I didn’t know what.
Then I felt guilty for not enjoying the luxury of time that I had.
I made a list of activities that I felt were justifiable ways to spend my time. The title of this word document was “Meaningful Ways to Spend My Time that Align With My Values.” I’m not kidding. The list wasn’t all about work; it included options like gardening, hanging out at the park and emailing friends. Having an approved list of activities was an attempt to feel OK about how I was spending my time but it didn’t help much. I had a relentless sense of needing to be productive and make a positive contribution to the world. It’s both grandiose and deeply true.
I had great days when I got a lot of writing done or took an inspiring class. I had many more days when I felt like an unanchored boat being tossed by the waves.
All of that changed when I started a full time consulting position. I am much happier now, no question about it. I still write, work on my business, go to yoga and see friends. I have plenty of time, energy and the flexibility for those things beyond my day job. I didn’t need that list of approved activities – I needed predictable work that took up more time, gave me structure, earned income and allowed me to contribute on a daily basis.
Some people might do well with a lot of unstructured free time. Those people are either more enlightened than me or less driven. Or maybe they just like tv.
Ten Benefits of Working From Home
No shoes, no problem
10. Feeling self-righteous about reducing my carbon footprint by not driving to an office every day.
9. The cafeteria is my kitchen and it’s always open.
8. No awkward chitchat in the restroom.
7. My work at home uniform = track pants and a t-shirt.
6. Wearing big ugly eyeglasses and not caring what I look like.
5. My office could not be better suited to me than if I had designed it myself…oh wait, I did design it myself.
4. Being at home for the plumber, the electrician and front door deliveries.
My cafeteria serves pints of Ben & Jerry’s
3. Not wearing shoes. Or makeup. Or a bra. And I’m not embarrassed to admit it because I’m not going to see you at the office anytime soon.
2. Less time commuting = more time to procrastinate working on my book.
1. Running after the cat with paper for him to throw up on as soon as the gagging noise starts. Seriously. When I make it in time I feel like a winner. I won!
Opting Out or Opting In?
A few months ago someone asked me if the change I made in my career was opting out of something or opting in.
Great question. The answer is both.
I opted out of a work environment that no longer fit me. I said no to long, exhausting hours spent on tasks that were required for my role but that I didn’t believe in. I said goodbye to a false sense of security that comes with a company job. I left work that I enjoyed because the price I paid for doing that work wasn’t worth it anymore.
I opted in to choosing work that supports the kind of life I want to live. I said yes to deciding how to spend my time and energy. I said hello to feeling both uncertain and exhilarated about the possibilities for my future. I began writing and consulting work which isn’t always fun but is worth every moment.
Sometimes it is about saying no in order to say yes.
The Value of Less
Nice and empty
One of my favorite things about the time I spent in Boulder at the Jack Kerouac School was living in my simple student apartment.
From the moment I walked in the door, I loved it. Even though it was a small one bedroom apartment it felt spacious and airy because there was hardly anything in it. It took me thirty minutes to put away all the belongings I brought with me. Another thirty minutes to rearrange my bed and desk.
Without stuff, life is simpler.
I had one suitcase worth of clothes, my computer, notebooks and not much else. The apartment came with a sofa, table, chairs, bed, desk and a few pieces of cookware and utensils in the kitchen. No microwave. No extra stuff – just the basics to live day to day.
It didn’t take long to decide what to wear because there wasn’t a lot to choose from. Which of my three tank tops to wear with jeans? Or which of my four dresses to pull on? If I was going to school, I wore my sandels. If I was walking anywhere else, sneakers.
I got so much writing done sitting at the desk in my bedroom. The walls were blank, so all of the ideas came from my head. No visual stimulation to distract me.
Returning home after living so sparingly was a shock. I felt like my house was screaming at me. Everywhere I looked there was stuff.
Impossible to work with so much stuff on the desk
I decided to get rid of half of everything I owned. Much of what I had didn’t make sense for my new life. They were artifacts of the old life that I left behind when I quit my job and went out on my own. I didn’t want the clothes that I used to wear to work hanging up in my closet. I didn’t want boxes of computer equipment clogging up my bookshelf. I wanted blank space.
It was a good goal, but getting rid of half of everything I owned turned out to be more ambitious than what I was prepared to part with. After carloads of donations dropped off at the Goodwill, I hadn’t given away a even quarter of what I owned, and there were things that I wasn’t ready to part with. I wasn’t ready to give away the furniture that I inherited after my grandparents passed away. I didn’t want to get rid of Christmas decorations, cheese knives or nail polish. Even though I rarely use those things, the last thing I intended was to get rid of something only to repurchase it when I wanted it later.
I changed my goal to creating an empty drawer or shelf in every room of the house. That was doable.
I love these pockets of blank space. Especially around my desk, where I work. The less stuff I have in my line of sight, the more ideas make it out of my head and onto my PC.
I still have more stuff than I need or want. But I have much more breathing room.
How to Get Stuff Done When You’re Working For Yourself
April 30, 2014, 5:12PM
I’m a productive person. I like to get stuff done. I’m not new to this. I make lists, I use Outlook to schedule my days and my tasks. I have a spreadsheet of running projects and detailed steps to complete them.
But now it’s 5:14PM, I’ve got to leave for yoga at 5:30PM and where did the day go? I did my day-job stuff. I emailed the landscaper to follow up on a quote. I updated expense information for my startup business. I sent three personal emails. So it’s not like I wasted the day. But crap. I’m staring down a weekly to-do list full of tasks that I haven’t done yet, including making progress on my two most important goals: revising my manuscript and updating my blog. Staring at a list full of things to do that are not checked off feels like staring the in the face of futility.
I’m irritated with this day.
I did not get up early to work on editing my book and I didn’t work on it during lunch. I just…ate lunch. OK it’s after work and I’m writing this blog post. But now it’s 5:17PM and I have 13 minutes until I need to be in the car, on my way to yoga.
This isn’t working.
I didn’t want working on my book or blog to feel like pressure or a chore, or something negative that I dreaded. Nobody is forcing me to do these things. My deadlines are made-up.
That’s the problem. I’m really good at meeting deadlines imposed by structures outside of myself. Whenever I’ve taken classes, I’ve always done my homework and turned in my assignments on time. I pride myself on always hitting my work deadlines.
But when it is my own deadline, it’s much easier to blow off.
5:27PM. Got to go. Dammit. Just when I was getting somewhere with this blog post.
May 1st, 2014, 6:28AM
Milo kept walking on me and making noise so I got up. I wanted to be up before 7AM anyway to work on my book and this blog post before I start my day job. So now I’m up and my eyes are barely focusing. Is this how it has to be? In order to make progress on my writing I have to be pushed into it?
When I was working my corporate job and running on adrenaline I got a ton of stuff done. I was always going, rushing, doing. Since I’ve unplugged from that machine, I’m on a slower pace. I’m still efficient with specific projects, but I don’t get as much done in a day. Transitions take longer.
I’ve been emailing a friend about this topic and he sent me a link to this article about Jerry Seinfeld’s Chain Habit. The idea is to put an X on a calendar for every day you work on your goal. When you see the lines of X’s, you don’t want to break the chain.
It’s like when we were kids and we got a little star sticker for each day that we did whatever task we were supposed to do. Except that back then, it didn’t motivate me. I felt manipulated and the reward of a sticker wasn’t stronger than my drive for autonomy.
But now I’m only struggling against telling myself what to do, and making a daily commitment worked for me in the past. When I finally got my first draft written for my book, it was because I committed to opening my word doc every single day and writing one sentence. Even on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day when I was at my parents’ house, I had my PC with me. Of course once I had the word doc open I wrote a lot more than one sentence.
I’ve been frustrated with how little I’ve done to revise my book, and think the solution is the same one that I did with the first draft – to commit to opening the word doc and revising one sentence every day. I kept deluding myself that I need larger chunks of time to get my head into editing mode, but I haven’t been using the big blocks of time that I do have so it’s time to try something else.
There’s got to be a way of making significant progress without resorting to becoming addicted to the process. Or maybe there isn’t. Because the Chain Habit or committing to writing every day no matter what feels like an addiction as much as a habit.
Maybe the difference is limiting the time spent. Maybe it is healthy enough to be addicted to writing a bit every day if I also do my day job well and keep enough time in my day for the other things I want to do plus a certain amount of unstructured time each week.
I emailed my friend about this and he wrote back musing about the difference between addiction and habits. I found an article on the topic that says habits can be good or bad and we have control over them. Addiction is negative and compulsive.
When I was in the habit of writing for my book every day, it felt good to make daily progress. Most of the time I wrote in the morning and started the day feeling good about working toward my goal. The times when it was late at night and I was tired and didn’t want to open my computer, I felt a sense of panic and did it anyway. I felt a compulsion. I did the work even when I didn’t want to, even when it was difficult to get to my PC, because I didn’t want to feel disappointed in myself for not doing it.
I wish I d
idn’t have to pressure myself or create a situation where I feel afraid and dread if I don’t work on my writing. But at this point, the desire to achieve my writing goals is bigger than the desire to avoid bullying myself into doing the work.
I also hate being tied to my PC, but my PC is where my work happens. If I know I’m going to be away from my PC, I could save my files on OneDrive and at least go through the motion of opening the docs on my phone and writing. I could also write a blog post long-hand in my notebook and transcribe it later, and do the same with my book revisions, but it isn’t as effective as typing into my word doc. They aren’t perfect solutions but I guess I’d rather use these contingencies than “break the chain”. I’d rather have these backup plans in place than not set my goal in the first place.
May 2, 2014, 7:38AM
I got up at 6:30AM again today, and went right to my PC to work on this blog post. It’s day two of my new chain habit, and I can already X-off this goal. There’s still a little time to open my book document and revise at least one sentence today.
Then I’ll make a cup of tea and raise a toast to myself: here’s to my new addiction.
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