Tag: losing your temper at work

Have you ever lost your temper at work and could not rein it in? You know, the kind resulting in a red-faced tantrum, a shout-down, or a crazed look in your eyes that made it seem like you might actually throw things?

If not, we probably haven’t met. And you make me nervous. You either have supremely fine-tuned skills in finding healthy ways to vent your anger or you have an internal build-up of rage that will shatter windows if it ever explodes.

Losing your cool at work sounds bad, but there are so many provocations that it is normal to feel that way sometimes. Provocations like jerky managers, coworkers, staff or customers. Or equipment that breaks when you really need to use it, or having to deal with the technology support department. Some companies call the IT support function the “help desk”. Employees often call it the “unhelpful desk”.

The last time I unleashed on someone at work, that someone was the third person I’d spoken with about a common computer issue – I needed my password reset. I had been off and on the phone for two hours trying to get this resolved. I got more and more upset as the last support person I spoke with gave me incorrect information, asked questions I’d already answered for him, and sounded like he was enjoying my frustration. I finally asked for the hours and locations where I could get help in-person. He said he didn’t know. And then asked if he could close the support ticket.

I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I do remember holding my phone in front of me as I yelled into it.

Stories of people losing their tempers tend to stick around and become humorous because we relate to them. My family has one that goes back to the days when my mom had a Baskin Robbins store. One day a young man came in asking for a sample of an ice cream flavor. As she handed him the little spoon, he tried to give it back and said “It’s not big enough.” If you’ve ever worked long food service shifts for years on end, you’ll understand that her reaction was: “Get out. Get OUT. GET OUT!”

I try to treat people with respect even when I’m flustered or when they are behaving poorly because that is part of my values. However, I’m flawed and sometimes exceed my capacity for containing my feelings. Fortunately I’ve learned from others and from my own mistakes and now have a set of tactics in place to deal with potential blow-ups before they happen.

Miranda Lambert’s “Somethin’ Bad”, featuring Carrie Underwood

The first and best action to take when you feel like you’re about to explode is to leave. As in, leave the workplace until you’ve calmed down or just go home for the rest of the day.

This didn’t occur to me as option until a time when I was debriefing with my then-manager after a horrible meeting. It was a stressful place to work on a good day and after this particular meeting I was very upset. My manager said if I couldn’t clear my head enough to get through the day without the risk of snapping at someone in our department, then I should go home. He wasn’t annoyed – he was as miserable as I was but was better at hiding it.

I was stunned. I had never left work unless I was sick or had an appointment. It took a while for the logic to sink in. And once it did, I got my things and left and no one else noticed or cared. I was back the next morning with a refreshed perspective and ability to cope.

If you are in a less flexible environment where you need permission from managers to leave, take some time to get composed before you speak with them. Take deep breaths, splash water on your face, walk around a bit…then tell them you don’t feel well and need to leave.

Important: saying “I don’t feel well” is not a lie. If you are frustrated to the point where you might scream at the next person that takes too long getting coffee in the kitchen, then clearly you don’t feel well. It is in everyone’s best interest for you to recognize that and remove yourself from the potential triggers.

If leaving the workplace is out of the question, then get to the most private place you can, as soon as you can and for as long as you can. For most people this is the restroom. Even the most uptight workplaces have to let their employees go to the bathroom once in a while.

Lock yourself in a stall. This time you might not want to take deep breaths (!) but there are other ways to calm down enough to return to work.

Getting upset creates tunnel vision.

Gaining clarity about what is happening to us can broaden our perspectives, and in turn, give us more capacity to make choices about our actions. One technique I practiced in Seattle University’s Emotional Intelligence class is to name the feeling. To keep it simple, we learned to make a fist and label each knuckle as one of four feelings: mad, glad, sad or afraid (pronounce it “afrahd” because rhyming makes it easy to remember and also it is more fun to say that way).

For example, you might think, “I am mad because Janet cancelled my trip to the conference. I am sad because I think Janet didn’t understand why the conference is important to me and my project. I am afraid my coworkers will think I’m less important because I’m the only person on the team who won’t be at the conference.”

While you are thinking each statement, tap the knuckle that corresponds to the feeling you’re describing. I don’t pretend to know the physiological reason for it, but adding the physical action while you are thinking about your emotions helps to focus your attention and let your words sink in. If you can fully BE with the thought and feeling of “I am afraid my coworkers will think I’m less important”, you acknowledge, validate and process what you are experiencing.

You will probably feel vulnerable – but only to yourself in the moment, and once you acknowledge how you honestly feel, the emotions will move through you more quickly. You are turning your attention away from thoughts that keep you in a mental tailspin, like “Janet is wrong, she’s a jerk, this job is stupid and nobody stands up for me” and are putting your focus on taking care of yourself.

If you stay with this technique until you’re grounded again – or at least until you have to leave the restroom – you will be much more capable of getting through the rest of the workday without losing your shit.

Cuz you left your shit in the bathroom.

Sorry! Couldn’t resist that one.

Remember, reaching the limits of containing anger and frustration at work is normal. Recognizing it and taking actions to protect your reputation and avoid lashing out is professional and mature.

And hey! Wash your hands.