Tag: validation

I recently had a pain in my body so strong that it kept me awake for four nights. I didn’t know what was causing it. When I saw my doctor, she didn’t seem to know what the problem was or think it was a serious issue. For a moment, I started to question if the sleeplessness and severity of the pain was really a big deal. As the appointment was wrapping up, she mentioned that I could get a test before I left.

When the test results came in, it showed a definitive cause of the pain. The treatment was just a strong dose of Ibuprofen and the issue eventually resolved itself. I was elated. I felt relieved to know what the problem was and that there was a simple treatment. But much more than that, I felt vindicated. The test results were undisputable, and proved to the doctor that I wasn’t exaggerating or having a psychosomatic issue, imagining my discomfort.

The reason for this story that is both too vague and too personal is that there was pain. Whether or not the test uncovered the reason for the pain, there was pain. I was awake for four nights and there was no reason for me to try to convince myself that that experience was any different from what it was. And yet when my physician didn’t seem concerned, I started to question it.

It is not uncommon for other people to dismiss our pain because it isn’t theirs. It doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there. The analogy to work is that when people are inside toxic workplaces, it is very easy for their concerns to be brushed aside.

If your coworkers, friends, or family downplay your descriptions of harassment, verbal abuse, retaliation or other serious work issues, take a step back to consider their motivations. When people respond unempathetically, it might be because they don’t know how to process your suffering and therefore try to squash the topic that is making them uncomfortable. Another possibility is that their egos are trying to protect them from imagining what it would be like to be in your position. They may have a belief that they are too smart or too strong to “let” themselves be abused, and use that belief like a magic charm to ward against it. A third possibility is that they are resigned to the fact that workplaces are frequently toxic and there aren’t great options for dealing with it.

Regardless of the reasons why others may respond poorly, you don’t need external validation for your lived experiences to be true. Trust yourself. Your experiences are valid.