Archive for July, 2015
Speaking our truth at work
On the surface, it seems like being honest at work should be the default. I mean…nobody wants to work with liars. Or think of themselves as liars! But people lie all the time at work, for many reasons.
At the top of the list is job survival. It is no secret that many managers want to hear that their strategy is intelligent, their plans make sense, the business is generating a positive return on investment, the employees are happy and think their bosses are smart and nice…and on and on, whether it is true or not. Even the managers that profess to want to hear the truth usually don’t, unless you can package the message in a way that puts any blame on someone else and keeps their egos intact.
Then there are the lies that make spending time with coworkers easier. He says, “Your presentation was great” and thinks to himself, “not so much. She says, “I think you’ll do fine in the annual review” when she has heard that the leadership team thinks that you make too many mistakes. He says, “No problem” to the coworker that missed his deadline, when really he is burning up with anger and resentment.
People also lie at work because telling the truth can be uncomfortable for everyone involved. A few days ago I was in a coffee shop and overheard a woman talking on the phone to someone who was either a peer or a staff person she oversees. She said something like, “I’m frustrated because when I’ve asked when you will deliver the report, you tell me you don’t know because you’re too busy.” Her tone of voice sounded exasperated but polite, and her volume was low. She continued to say, “I had to do a lot of extra work because I didn’t have the information I needed in your report. Will you set my expectation for when I will receive it?”
As I’m listening to her, I’m thinking “Good job! You’re expressing yourself honestly and asking for what you need, and you’re doing it in a respectful way.”
Then it got sad and ugly.
But not because she became angry or disrespectful.
It got sad and ugly because she started apologizing.
Apparently the person on the other end of the phone did not receive the message well. The coffee shop woman started saying “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude.” And then spent the next ten minutes pacifying the person she was speaking with. When they finally hung up, I’m not sure she ever got an answer as to when the report was going to be delivered!
Boo.
She wasn’t being rude. She could have been a case study for how to communicate a difficult message to people at work until she backed down as soon as the other person got defensive.
It is often challenging to say the truth at work, especially when you’re pointing out a mistake or asking for something to change. But if you don’t say what you need, you are never going to get your damned report!
Let’s take a moment to reflect on what happens when we deny our truth:
- We make our authentic selves smaller
- We demean the part of ourselves that wants to live with integrity
- We reinforce the habit of denying our truth in order to make other people and ourselves more comfortable
It doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve been working on being truer to myself for several years, and as with anything, it gets easier with practice.
It also feels really good to think back on tough conversations and be proud of myself for communicating honestly instead of holding back out of fear or because I was worried I wouldn’t say exactly the right words. I reminded a friend who was planning to have a conversation with a woman who had disappointed her that “you can tell the truth without being an asshole!”
If you want to speak your truth more often, you might be interested in this: Martha Beck recently emailed a newsletter called “Speak Your Truth. No Matter What.” to promote her upcoming telecourse called The Integrity Cleanse.
This is not one of those times when I get a commission for referring people to products or services. I just love Martha Beck and credit her books and courses with helping me create a better life for myself. I would be thrilled if you also found value in her wisdom. Truth!
The Hero’s Journey at Work
If you’re a reader or writer or fan of Joseph Campbell, you already know about the Hero’s Journey. Or, if you pay attention to movies like The Hobbit, you already know the story arc. It goes something like this:
The heroes don’t start out as heroes. They are ordinary people (or Hobbits!) with ordinary ups and downs until they are called to go on a quest. The quest can take many shapes – maybe they are called upon by other people to take on a responsibility they had never considered before. Or maybe there is an inner restlessness and discontent, urging them to leave the unsatisfying but predictable life they have created for themselves.
At first, the heroes resist the call, but ultimately set out on the journey, willingly or not. Along the way, these heroes-to-be meet people who help them on their journeys and fight battles together to reach their destination. These heroes also meet people who appear to be friends and helpers, only to discover that they are actually obstacles in disguise.
Finally, the heroes reach the pinnacle of their journeys and fight the last battle alone. Once they have achieved their purpose, they die.
Or…they don’t literally die. Often what happens is that the heroes’ lives are radically transformed and they return back to civilization to share the knowledge they have gained.
So what does this have to do with work?
You’re discontent in your job and feel like life is passing you by. You are restless but scared to leave what you think is a secure position. Then maybe a new job offer comes along, or a family member gets sick and your priorities change, or you get fired. All of a sudden you’re forced on the hero’s journey, ready or not.
You need help from others. It’s part of the deal. Even Tom Hanks in “Castaway” had Wilson the volleyball as a sidekick. And that help will appear, in the form of friends who provide emotional support, or a compassionate manager who restructures your job to get you through the tough times. Or new people will come along, offering work or financial assistance.
Take the help.
But be discerning. The other part of the deal is that some people will offer an outstretched hand to help you right over a cliff. Listen to your gut, not what you are wishing and hoping for. Don’t give away all your secrets.
With new people, leave yourself some room to back away if you need to. With people you already know, it can be harder. Don’t tell your longtime coworker you’re looking for a new job until you’re ready for the whole office to know it. Don’t show your weak spot to your work-friend who is competing with you for a strong annual review score – or competing with you to avoid being the person the company has to downsize out of a job.
That nice guy you’ve known a long time, who works in the department next to yours? If he’s providing a sympathetic ear, what’s in it for him? He might be pumping you for information because it is his best interest.
Remember, you’re vulnerable, so dig deep to access your inner knowledge. Accept the right help from the right people. If something feels “off”, TRUST THAT FEELING. You might be tempted to grasp at whatever help shows up in front of you. Don’t. There are others you can count on. Real friends, family, people in your community, or new people who are worth trusting one step at a time.
When the obstacles appear, who’s by your side?
Eventually, when you’re at your destination and have to fight that last battle alone, draw on the strength and knowledge you’ve learned from the people and your experiences along the way. It might be a new way of approaching a work issue. More confidence to ask for the salary you deserve. Better boundaries that keep your work in alignment with your values.
And then?
You may die. Probably a metaphorical death, meaning that your old self has dissolved and a newer, stronger, smarter, truer version of yourself has begun to live a more authentic life.
Then spread the word. You may be the help your coworkers need on their upcoming heroes’ journeys.
Note: I receive a commission from Amazon Associates for products purchased via links from this page. I only recommend products that are aligned with my truth!
The Life Sucks But Actually Everything Is Going To Be OK Playlist
When times are really good or really tough a custom playlist gets inside those feelings to work them out. Here is what I’ve been listening to non-stop for the last week, and why.
- “This Summer (Explicit)” by Maroon 5. This is a perfect song to start off with because it feels bad-ass to sing the f-word with feeling when things aren’t going the way you want. This especially works if you’re the kind of person who tries not to swear. “This summer’s gonna hurt like a…”
- “Uprising” by Muse. This song reminds me that I’m in charge of my life and my personal power is mine and mine alone. “Rise up and take the power back.” “We will be victorious.”
- “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons. I feel like the old me has died and the new me is on the verge of rebirth. “I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones/Enough to make my systems blow/Welcome to the new age.”
- “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons. There is power in new beginnings. It’s not always easy and sometimes it takes a long time, but the process is not going to change my truest self. “It’s time to begin, isn’t it?” and “The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell right to the top/Don’t look back.”
- “Come with Me Now” by Kongos. This is a power song. Sing it and feel the solidarity with others who are also going through a tough time. “Walk on with me now.”
- “Scars” by Papa Roach. Yep, this describes how I’ve felt many times. “I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut/ And my weakness is that I care too much/ And our scars remind us that the past is real.” I’m compassionate and empathetic. And, if a situation is dragging me down then I’ve got to let it go to honor myself and my own path. So “GO. FIX. YOURSELF.” “I can’t help you fix yourself…I gotta move on with my own life.”
- “Bad Blood” by Taylor Swift. I love Taylor Swift. I feel like my life is a medley of Taylor Swift songs. This one is empowering, putting it out there, like “hey, I’m not ok with what happened there, and I’m done with this.” I love the whole song, but especially, “It’s so sad to think about the good times” because it didn’t used to be this way. And, “if you’re coming my way — just don’t.”
- “Roar” by Katy Perry. It is a little awkward following Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” with Katy Perry, because of, you know, their “bad blood” or whatever. But after getting all fired up by my girl Tay, I’ve got to Roar. So “get ready cuz I’ve had enough…dancing through the fire…I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar.”
- “Some Nights (Explicit)” by Fun. I am very clear about what I stand for. Yet this is just how it is sometimes: “Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck/Some nights I call it a draw”. And, “Man you wouldn’t believe, the most amazing things that can come from/some terrible nights.” Amen.
- “Carry On” by Fun. Here is a happy tune that makes me want to keep my chin up. “If you’re lost and alone/Or you’re sinking like a stone/carry on/May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground/and carry on.”
- “Tonight, Tonight” by Hot Chelle Rae. This song makes me laugh and reminds me that even though my struggles are real and “oh well, whatever” doesn’t make them go away, I can still go out, see friends, have fun, and remember that I’m alive. “It’s my party, dance if I want to.” This is a great song for blowing off steam.
- “Pompeii” by Bastille. “How am I gonna be an optimist about this?” ‘nough said.
- “Renegades” by X Ambassadors. This is a beautiful melody, calming and strong at the same time. Sometimes the truth isn’t popular and justice seems elusive, making us feel like we’re “living like we’re renegades.” However, I have faith in being true to my values. “Go forth and have no fear/Come close the end is near” is real for me because I cannot wait to get through this rough time. I’m thankful to draw on my own convictions and the support from people who care about me.
- “Girls Chase Boys” by Ingrid Michaelson. Even though this song sounds like it is about romance, these words fit many situations: “All the broken hearts in the world still beat/Let’s not make it harder than it has to be.” And, “I’m a little let down but I’m not dead/there’s a little bit more that has to be said.”
- “Don’t Come Around Here No More” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. This is another song that could apply to any issue. “Don’t come around here no more/whatever you’re looking for/Hey! Don’t come around here no more.”
- “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera. It would be a waste not to learn or gain something from difficult times. I’m looking for the positive and am grateful for what is good in my life. This is also one of my power songs that helps me tap into my inner strength. “Makes me that much stronger/Makes me work a little bit harder/Makes me that much wiser/So thanks for making me a fighter.”
- “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw. To end this playlist, I want to remind myself that “I don’t wanna be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately/all I have to do is think of me and my peace of mind/I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms wondering what I gotta do/or who I’m supposed to be, I don’t want be anything other than me.”
If my playlist doesn’t do it for you, make your own angst-ridden list! I’m thinking of all of you out there dealing with tough times. Solidarity.
Maybe your life sucks because your job sucks
For the last two weeks I’ve been writing about how life can suck and then it gets better. Now I’m going to show you this really cool trick where you can take any topic that you’ve been writing about and connect it back to the main point of your blog, which in my case is about careers. Are you ready? Here goes:
First of all, a lot of times our lives suck because our jobs suck, and those jobs almost never get better. When they improve, it is usually because your evil boss got fired, you moved to a new team or a new manager, or you got a big promotion that will make you happy for about two weeks. Usually it doesn’t get better, and that’s why I’m writing a book about quitting jobs, so you can go do something else that doesn’t suck.
This is true.
But there is an even deeper connection to how and why our lives suck when we’re in the wrong jobs. The reason is that when you are working in an environment that doesn’t support your authentic self and is not in alignment with your values, it is not the right job for you. No matter how much it pays, how important your title sounds, or how fancy your office is, if your job isn’t a part of living your “right life”, then it is not going to be pleasant.
You might love some parts of your job, and that can make it confusing. I sure adored the team of people I used to work with and was incredibly passionate about the program I was responsible for.
Our relationship to work is similar to any relationship, and there’s ups and downs, good and bad, and changes. It took me a long time to let go of my last full-time employee position because of the positive things about it. But once I realized that it wasn’t the right environment for me to be my truest self, I started planning my exit.
When I finally quit and began aligning my choices with my values, my life became magical. Really. I’ve written about it before, but it still amazes me how much easier and fun life was. Quitting my job had the biggest impact on my life, but along with that I made other changes to be truer to myself. I let go of some people that made me feel dragged down instead of uplifted. Instead of spending all my time working or sleeping, I pursued my interests in animal sanctuaries, started writing again, and looked for ways to tap into my creativity.
After quitting, there was a period of uncertainty and I wasn’t sure exactly what to do, so I just kept living day by day and sometimes hour by hour, making choices that felt like I was staying on track with my values. When things would start to go sideways, I would course-correct immediately. It wasn’t long before I found my way into my consulting business that I love, made deep and lasting friendships and was happier than I had ever been before.
Then, of course, there came the tough times and challenges. Living my “right life” didn’t prevent my beloved cat from getting sick and dying, it didn’t stop my family from having difficulties, and it sure didn’t block out the personal issues I’m facing now. Those things are still hard and hurt…you know, the life sucks part.
Yet I am coping with tough times so much better than I would have when I wasn’t living as close to my ideals. I have a better support system to help me now. I have many things to be grateful for, including my amazing work-life, many people I care about, and appreciation for living in such a beautiful part of the world. The magic is still there. It is just working in subtler, persistent ways.
I’m choosing to believe that part of the reason for my struggles is that there is an area of my life that needs to change. I don’t know exactly what steps I need to take, or what the outcome will be. I’m not even sure if it is an external life change or internal self-development. But I know, because I have experienced this before, that as long as I stay true to myself I’ll make the right decisions at the right time.
This faith gets me through the toughest moments.
Faith, gratitude, and my sense of humor. When times are really good or really rough, I like to name my moods and my outfits, act a little reckless while remaining completely safe, and make playlists. Stay tuned for the “when life sucks but actually everything is going to be ok” playlist, coming soon.
Sometimes life sucks and then it gets better, Part 2
Last week I wrote about how sometimes life sucks and then it gets better. I think I oversimplified it. Because sometimes life sucks and then it gets better and then it gets even worse before it gets better again. Or life sucks and keeps getting worse and you have no idea when it is going to get better and then finally it does.
Lately I’ve been praying for the highest good in my life because I don’t know exactly what that will turn out to be. Since I don’t know for sure if the things that seem like the best things for me truly are, it seems best to just pray for the best outcome.
Yesterday I prayed like mad. Like full on, praying to God, the Universe, my angels, my guides and even my deceased relatives to give me something I thought I needed. Not needed like, “I’m so tired, I need a cup of coffee.” Something I thought I needed to get through a rough time (which I still want to keep private, so thanks again for not asking about it!). I was even throwing out the caveat, just in case, “everything else for the highest good, but please give me this one.”
I didn’t get it.
So.
Okay.
That hurts.
It feels like a 100 pound weight on my chest, I’m sick to my stomach, I have thoughts in my head that I don’t want to be thinking and memories of similar times that I don’t want to remember. Yet there is still work to do, taxes to file, and plants to water so they don’t burn up in this boiling heat wave we’re having.
I watered the plants, got the work done that most needed to be taken care of, and will file my taxes before I get off the computer. Everything else can wait.
I called a friend who is a good listener and gets this kind of thing. I still recognize and appreciate the things that are going well in my life. I scraped together a plan for the weekend. I made myself drink a green protein smoothie because I need the energy to keep going until it finally gets better.
And it will. I know it will.
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