Living Your Values
Speaking our truth at work
On the surface, it seems like being honest at work should be the default. I mean…nobody wants to work with liars. Or think of themselves as liars! But people lie all the time at work, for many reasons.
At the top of the list is job survival. It is no secret that many managers want to hear that their strategy is intelligent, their plans make sense, the business is generating a positive return on investment, the employees are happy and think their bosses are smart and nice…and on and on, whether it is true or not. Even the managers that profess to want to hear the truth usually don’t, unless you can package the message in a way that puts any blame on someone else and keeps their egos intact.
Then there are the lies that make spending time with coworkers easier. He says, “Your presentation was great” and thinks to himself, “not so much. She says, “I think you’ll do fine in the annual review” when she has heard that the leadership team thinks that you make too many mistakes. He says, “No problem” to the coworker that missed his deadline, when really he is burning up with anger and resentment.
People also lie at work because telling the truth can be uncomfortable for everyone involved. A few days ago I was in a coffee shop and overheard a woman talking on the phone to someone who was either a peer or a staff person she oversees. She said something like, “I’m frustrated because when I’ve asked when you will deliver the report, you tell me you don’t know because you’re too busy.” Her tone of voice sounded exasperated but polite, and her volume was low. She continued to say, “I had to do a lot of extra work because I didn’t have the information I needed in your report. Will you set my expectation for when I will receive it?”
As I’m listening to her, I’m thinking “Good job! You’re expressing yourself honestly and asking for what you need, and you’re doing it in a respectful way.”
Then it got sad and ugly.
But not because she became angry or disrespectful.
It got sad and ugly because she started apologizing.
Apparently the person on the other end of the phone did not receive the message well. The coffee shop woman started saying “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude.” And then spent the next ten minutes pacifying the person she was speaking with. When they finally hung up, I’m not sure she ever got an answer as to when the report was going to be delivered!
Boo.
She wasn’t being rude. She could have been a case study for how to communicate a difficult message to people at work until she backed down as soon as the other person got defensive.
It is often challenging to say the truth at work, especially when you’re pointing out a mistake or asking for something to change. But if you don’t say what you need, you are never going to get your damned report!
Let’s take a moment to reflect on what happens when we deny our truth:
- We make our authentic selves smaller
- We demean the part of ourselves that wants to live with integrity
- We reinforce the habit of denying our truth in order to make other people and ourselves more comfortable
It doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve been working on being truer to myself for several years, and as with anything, it gets easier with practice.
It also feels really good to think back on tough conversations and be proud of myself for communicating honestly instead of holding back out of fear or because I was worried I wouldn’t say exactly the right words. I reminded a friend who was planning to have a conversation with a woman who had disappointed her that “you can tell the truth without being an asshole!”
If you want to speak your truth more often, you might be interested in this: Martha Beck recently emailed a newsletter called “Speak Your Truth. No Matter What.” to promote her upcoming telecourse called The Integrity Cleanse.
This is not one of those times when I get a commission for referring people to products or services. I just love Martha Beck and credit her books and courses with helping me create a better life for myself. I would be thrilled if you also found value in her wisdom. Truth!
The Hero’s Journey at Work
If you’re a reader or writer or fan of Joseph Campbell, you already know about the Hero’s Journey. Or, if you pay attention to movies like The Hobbit, you already know the story arc. It goes something like this:
The heroes don’t start out as heroes. They are ordinary people (or Hobbits!) with ordinary ups and downs until they are called to go on a quest. The quest can take many shapes – maybe they are called upon by other people to take on a responsibility they had never considered before. Or maybe there is an inner restlessness and discontent, urging them to leave the unsatisfying but predictable life they have created for themselves.
At first, the heroes resist the call, but ultimately set out on the journey, willingly or not. Along the way, these heroes-to-be meet people who help them on their journeys and fight battles together to reach their destination. These heroes also meet people who appear to be friends and helpers, only to discover that they are actually obstacles in disguise.
Finally, the heroes reach the pinnacle of their journeys and fight the last battle alone. Once they have achieved their purpose, they die.
Or…they don’t literally die. Often what happens is that the heroes’ lives are radically transformed and they return back to civilization to share the knowledge they have gained.
So what does this have to do with work?
You’re discontent in your job and feel like life is passing you by. You are restless but scared to leave what you think is a secure position. Then maybe a new job offer comes along, or a family member gets sick and your priorities change, or you get fired. All of a sudden you’re forced on the hero’s journey, ready or not.
You need help from others. It’s part of the deal. Even Tom Hanks in “Castaway” had Wilson the volleyball as a sidekick. And that help will appear, in the form of friends who provide emotional support, or a compassionate manager who restructures your job to get you through the tough times. Or new people will come along, offering work or financial assistance.
Take the help.
But be discerning. The other part of the deal is that some people will offer an outstretched hand to help you right over a cliff. Listen to your gut, not what you are wishing and hoping for. Don’t give away all your secrets.
With new people, leave yourself some room to back away if you need to. With people you already know, it can be harder. Don’t tell your longtime coworker you’re looking for a new job until you’re ready for the whole office to know it. Don’t show your weak spot to your work-friend who is competing with you for a strong annual review score – or competing with you to avoid being the person the company has to downsize out of a job.
That nice guy you’ve known a long time, who works in the department next to yours? If he’s providing a sympathetic ear, what’s in it for him? He might be pumping you for information because it is his best interest.
Remember, you’re vulnerable, so dig deep to access your inner knowledge. Accept the right help from the right people. If something feels “off”, TRUST THAT FEELING. You might be tempted to grasp at whatever help shows up in front of you. Don’t. There are others you can count on. Real friends, family, people in your community, or new people who are worth trusting one step at a time.
When the obstacles appear, who’s by your side?
Eventually, when you’re at your destination and have to fight that last battle alone, draw on the strength and knowledge you’ve learned from the people and your experiences along the way. It might be a new way of approaching a work issue. More confidence to ask for the salary you deserve. Better boundaries that keep your work in alignment with your values.
And then?
You may die. Probably a metaphorical death, meaning that your old self has dissolved and a newer, stronger, smarter, truer version of yourself has begun to live a more authentic life.
Then spread the word. You may be the help your coworkers need on their upcoming heroes’ journeys.
Note: I receive a commission from Amazon Associates for products purchased via links from this page. I only recommend products that are aligned with my truth!
The Life Sucks But Actually Everything Is Going To Be OK Playlist
When times are really good or really tough a custom playlist gets inside those feelings to work them out. Here is what I’ve been listening to non-stop for the last week, and why.
- “This Summer (Explicit)” by Maroon 5. This is a perfect song to start off with because it feels bad-ass to sing the f-word with feeling when things aren’t going the way you want. This especially works if you’re the kind of person who tries not to swear. “This summer’s gonna hurt like a…”
- “Uprising” by Muse. This song reminds me that I’m in charge of my life and my personal power is mine and mine alone. “Rise up and take the power back.” “We will be victorious.”
- “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons. I feel like the old me has died and the new me is on the verge of rebirth. “I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones/Enough to make my systems blow/Welcome to the new age.”
- “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons. There is power in new beginnings. It’s not always easy and sometimes it takes a long time, but the process is not going to change my truest self. “It’s time to begin, isn’t it?” and “The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell right to the top/Don’t look back.”
- “Come with Me Now” by Kongos. This is a power song. Sing it and feel the solidarity with others who are also going through a tough time. “Walk on with me now.”
- “Scars” by Papa Roach. Yep, this describes how I’ve felt many times. “I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut/ And my weakness is that I care too much/ And our scars remind us that the past is real.” I’m compassionate and empathetic. And, if a situation is dragging me down then I’ve got to let it go to honor myself and my own path. So “GO. FIX. YOURSELF.” “I can’t help you fix yourself…I gotta move on with my own life.”
- “Bad Blood” by Taylor Swift. I love Taylor Swift. I feel like my life is a medley of Taylor Swift songs. This one is empowering, putting it out there, like “hey, I’m not ok with what happened there, and I’m done with this.” I love the whole song, but especially, “It’s so sad to think about the good times” because it didn’t used to be this way. And, “if you’re coming my way — just don’t.”
- “Roar” by Katy Perry. It is a little awkward following Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” with Katy Perry, because of, you know, their “bad blood” or whatever. But after getting all fired up by my girl Tay, I’ve got to Roar. So “get ready cuz I’ve had enough…dancing through the fire…I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar.”
- “Some Nights (Explicit)” by Fun. I am very clear about what I stand for. Yet this is just how it is sometimes: “Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck/Some nights I call it a draw”. And, “Man you wouldn’t believe, the most amazing things that can come from/some terrible nights.” Amen.
- “Carry On” by Fun. Here is a happy tune that makes me want to keep my chin up. “If you’re lost and alone/Or you’re sinking like a stone/carry on/May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground/and carry on.”
- “Tonight, Tonight” by Hot Chelle Rae. This song makes me laugh and reminds me that even though my struggles are real and “oh well, whatever” doesn’t make them go away, I can still go out, see friends, have fun, and remember that I’m alive. “It’s my party, dance if I want to.” This is a great song for blowing off steam.
- “Pompeii” by Bastille. “How am I gonna be an optimist about this?” ‘nough said.
- “Renegades” by X Ambassadors. This is a beautiful melody, calming and strong at the same time. Sometimes the truth isn’t popular and justice seems elusive, making us feel like we’re “living like we’re renegades.” However, I have faith in being true to my values. “Go forth and have no fear/Come close the end is near” is real for me because I cannot wait to get through this rough time. I’m thankful to draw on my own convictions and the support from people who care about me.
- “Girls Chase Boys” by Ingrid Michaelson. Even though this song sounds like it is about romance, these words fit many situations: “All the broken hearts in the world still beat/Let’s not make it harder than it has to be.” And, “I’m a little let down but I’m not dead/there’s a little bit more that has to be said.”
- “Don’t Come Around Here No More” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. This is another song that could apply to any issue. “Don’t come around here no more/whatever you’re looking for/Hey! Don’t come around here no more.”
- “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera. It would be a waste not to learn or gain something from difficult times. I’m looking for the positive and am grateful for what is good in my life. This is also one of my power songs that helps me tap into my inner strength. “Makes me that much stronger/Makes me work a little bit harder/Makes me that much wiser/So thanks for making me a fighter.”
- “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw. To end this playlist, I want to remind myself that “I don’t wanna be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately/all I have to do is think of me and my peace of mind/I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms wondering what I gotta do/or who I’m supposed to be, I don’t want be anything other than me.”
If my playlist doesn’t do it for you, make your own angst-ridden list! I’m thinking of all of you out there dealing with tough times. Solidarity.
Maybe your life sucks because your job sucks
For the last two weeks I’ve been writing about how life can suck and then it gets better. Now I’m going to show you this really cool trick where you can take any topic that you’ve been writing about and connect it back to the main point of your blog, which in my case is about careers. Are you ready? Here goes:
First of all, a lot of times our lives suck because our jobs suck, and those jobs almost never get better. When they improve, it is usually because your evil boss got fired, you moved to a new team or a new manager, or you got a big promotion that will make you happy for about two weeks. Usually it doesn’t get better, and that’s why I’m writing a book about quitting jobs, so you can go do something else that doesn’t suck.
This is true.
But there is an even deeper connection to how and why our lives suck when we’re in the wrong jobs. The reason is that when you are working in an environment that doesn’t support your authentic self and is not in alignment with your values, it is not the right job for you. No matter how much it pays, how important your title sounds, or how fancy your office is, if your job isn’t a part of living your “right life”, then it is not going to be pleasant.
You might love some parts of your job, and that can make it confusing. I sure adored the team of people I used to work with and was incredibly passionate about the program I was responsible for.
Our relationship to work is similar to any relationship, and there’s ups and downs, good and bad, and changes. It took me a long time to let go of my last full-time employee position because of the positive things about it. But once I realized that it wasn’t the right environment for me to be my truest self, I started planning my exit.
When I finally quit and began aligning my choices with my values, my life became magical. Really. I’ve written about it before, but it still amazes me how much easier and fun life was. Quitting my job had the biggest impact on my life, but along with that I made other changes to be truer to myself. I let go of some people that made me feel dragged down instead of uplifted. Instead of spending all my time working or sleeping, I pursued my interests in animal sanctuaries, started writing again, and looked for ways to tap into my creativity.
After quitting, there was a period of uncertainty and I wasn’t sure exactly what to do, so I just kept living day by day and sometimes hour by hour, making choices that felt like I was staying on track with my values. When things would start to go sideways, I would course-correct immediately. It wasn’t long before I found my way into my consulting business that I love, made deep and lasting friendships and was happier than I had ever been before.
Then, of course, there came the tough times and challenges. Living my “right life” didn’t prevent my beloved cat from getting sick and dying, it didn’t stop my family from having difficulties, and it sure didn’t block out the personal issues I’m facing now. Those things are still hard and hurt…you know, the life sucks part.
Yet I am coping with tough times so much better than I would have when I wasn’t living as close to my ideals. I have a better support system to help me now. I have many things to be grateful for, including my amazing work-life, many people I care about, and appreciation for living in such a beautiful part of the world. The magic is still there. It is just working in subtler, persistent ways.
I’m choosing to believe that part of the reason for my struggles is that there is an area of my life that needs to change. I don’t know exactly what steps I need to take, or what the outcome will be. I’m not even sure if it is an external life change or internal self-development. But I know, because I have experienced this before, that as long as I stay true to myself I’ll make the right decisions at the right time.
This faith gets me through the toughest moments.
Faith, gratitude, and my sense of humor. When times are really good or really rough, I like to name my moods and my outfits, act a little reckless while remaining completely safe, and make playlists. Stay tuned for the “when life sucks but actually everything is going to be ok” playlist, coming soon.
Sometimes life sucks and then it gets better, Part 2
Last week I wrote about how sometimes life sucks and then it gets better. I think I oversimplified it. Because sometimes life sucks and then it gets better and then it gets even worse before it gets better again. Or life sucks and keeps getting worse and you have no idea when it is going to get better and then finally it does.
Lately I’ve been praying for the highest good in my life because I don’t know exactly what that will turn out to be. Since I don’t know for sure if the things that seem like the best things for me truly are, it seems best to just pray for the best outcome.
Yesterday I prayed like mad. Like full on, praying to God, the Universe, my angels, my guides and even my deceased relatives to give me something I thought I needed. Not needed like, “I’m so tired, I need a cup of coffee.” Something I thought I needed to get through a rough time (which I still want to keep private, so thanks again for not asking about it!). I was even throwing out the caveat, just in case, “everything else for the highest good, but please give me this one.”
I didn’t get it.
So.
Okay.
That hurts.
It feels like a 100 pound weight on my chest, I’m sick to my stomach, I have thoughts in my head that I don’t want to be thinking and memories of similar times that I don’t want to remember. Yet there is still work to do, taxes to file, and plants to water so they don’t burn up in this boiling heat wave we’re having.
I watered the plants, got the work done that most needed to be taken care of, and will file my taxes before I get off the computer. Everything else can wait.
I called a friend who is a good listener and gets this kind of thing. I still recognize and appreciate the things that are going well in my life. I scraped together a plan for the weekend. I made myself drink a green protein smoothie because I need the energy to keep going until it finally gets better.
And it will. I know it will.
Sometimes life sucks and then it gets better
Sometimes life sucks. Stuff happens. You’re stressed out. Don’t feel like your normal self. Aren’t up to doing all the things you used to do.
It could be for any or multiple reasons, right? We’ve all been there.
I’m there.
I like keeping my private matters private, so I’m leaving the details out. Thanks for understanding and not asking about it!
And anyway, I don’t want to talk about the details. I want to talk about how I’m handling it.
I’m prioritizing my health and wellbeing, the people I care about, and doing the very best I can for my clients.
So how is that going?
Well, business is great. The people I interact with from day to day are the best I could ask for, and I like my job every single day. So that’s good!
I am focused on doing great work for my clients. I am not, however, taking on much new work, finishing my book, or posting my blog every Thursday (thanks for noticing, by the way). Payroll and taxes are on track but my QuickBooks is more than a little out of date. I’m not up for all of it right now, and would rather focus on the most important stuff and do the rest when I can.
My health and wellbeing and the people I care about are up and down. Good days, bad days, fun days, sad days. I haven’t been to yoga in over two weeks, but went dancing and golfing for the first time in eight or nine months. I’m reaching out to my friends and family when I need support. But I’m not being a great friend to all of the people that matter to me because I don’t have the energy for it. I try to let them know I care and be there when it counts the most.
The negative stuff is temporary. I’m looking forward to getting past it and excited for the future. Overall life is good, I’m fortunate, and I know it. Grateful.
People say “be gentle with yourself” when you’re going through a rough time. Well, yes, but what does that mean exactly? For me it means I know my priorities and that’s what I’m focused on. I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.
I hope you are doing great. And if you’re not, I hope you’re also focusing on the most important things and letting the rest go until you’re ready for it.
Because Life’s a Bittersweet Symphony and sometimes you gotta just Shake it Off.
Free Your Identity From Your Job
It is easy to let your job become your identity. Especially if you have a title or function that is considered high-status, or you work for a well-known organization. This manifests as “I’m important because I’m Senior Director of Finance!” or “I’m important because I’m a surgeon!” or “I’m important because my company is a nationally broadcast news station!”
American culture and language may be partly to blame for over-identification with work. For example, in French, a guy doesn’t say “I am hungry” because he isn’t the embodiment of hunger. Instead, he says, “J’ai faim”, which more literally translates to “I have hunger.” Wouldn’t it be great if instead of “I am a mechanical engineer”, people thought of their job in terms of “I do mechanical engineering work for a living?”
There would be less annoying egos to deal with and more focus on producing the outcomes that job functions are intended to produce. Haven’t we all been to a party where people ask each other what they do for work and someone puffs out his chest and says “I’m the head of the ______ corporation,” and we think to ourselves, “you might be the head of a company but you’re an ass at this party.”
If you’re taking your identity from work, here are four steps to break free:
Step 1) Stop, just stop using your work email address for your personal correspondence. Using “me@mycompany” for personal use reinforces to you and everyone you email that you are inseparable from your job. I will reblog this point until you stop.
Step 2) Acknowledge to yourself that you are not your job. You are a person who does work in exchange for a paycheck. No matter what title you have, whether you work for yourself or someone else, regardless of your salary and how much or little your role is favored by society; you are still not your job.
When interviewing people about quitting their jobs, many men told me they took their identity from their work. Women often told me they think of themselves first as a mother or wife and then in terms of their work. I dislike all of this because it is taking on identities from factors outside of yourself. If you are your job, what are you when the job goes away? If your reason for existing is your child or spouse, what happens when they turn on you or disappoint you, or you end up living vicariously through them?
You can still be an employee/parent/spouse and be happy and proud of being those things. I hope you are! That is different from getting your sense of self from them.
Step 3) Start defining yourself by your own qualities and attributes. Then repeat the words to yourself, silently or aloud, every single day, until you believe it. For example, “I am a kind, generous person” or “I am strong and resilient”. Your job can’t take your innate characteristics way from you.
Step 4) Have a life outside of work. Spend time with people other than your coworkers. Have a hobby. Participate in a club or organized group. Yes, you spend many of your waking hours at work. Maybe too many. It is said you can tell a person’s priorities by how they spend their time and money. Make your life bigger than your job by caring and participating in activities that have nothing to do with work.
If you need to spend more hours working each week than on any other single activity, you can make your reason for working have more meaning. You’re supporting a family with your salary. You’re learning a skill that will allow you to transition to a better job. You’re saving money so that you will have more choices about work in the future.
And then? Do step number one right now and the repeat steps two through four until you identify yourself by your unique qualities or you die, whichever comes first. C’est tout.
I want to quit my job…two years from now
I’ve had a lot of conversations with people who tell me they want to quit their jobs, but not right now. They want to quit in two years. The most common reason is that people want to stop doing their current work and do something else…but they don’t know what that is. For some reason they think that in two years they will have figured that out.
However, when you’re working a ton of hours in a stressful position, you don’t have much mental space or energy to determine what your next best job is. Plus, your free time is spent recovering or distracting yourself from your unhappy situation.
I feel your pain.
It wasn’t until I made up my mind that I was going to quit my job that I began to have ideas about what my future might look like. There was a definitive moment, a changing of my mindset, when I set my intention to quit. I turned my focus away from trying to make my current job situation better and focused on creating a better life. Like magic, I started getting inspired and followed my interests as far as they would go.
Here are a few examples of the actions I took and what they led to:
- After eight years without any creative writing, I started filling notebooks again. The ideas for stories, poems and lyrics popped into my head without even trying. I decided that after I quit my job I would spend a month at Naropa University’s Summer Writing Program. Once there, I wrote the outline for my self-help book for people who want to quit their jobs. I started this blog. I also kept writing creatively, joined writing groups, and volunteered with a literary magazine.
- I began researching and visiting animal sanctuaries. I documented their best practices and what they needed to improve. I have no idea if this will lead to any paid work in my future, but it was meaningful to me. The current outcome is that I have three favorite animal non-profits: Best Friends Animal Society, Chimpanzee Sanctuary Northwest and The Wild Animal Sanctuary.
- I realized that my love of research, analysis, report-writing and justice could lead to a career in private investigation. I got certified, built a marketing plan and decided this would be my next job. In case you haven’t been following my blog – I did not become a P.I. But planning to be a P.I. gave me the courage to quit my job and continue pursuing my interests until I ultimately began my consulting business.
Which leads me to this point: you don’t have to figure out your next job right now. All you have to do is follow your interests. Two years from now, your ideal job may be completely different – and better – than anything you can dream of now.
Happily, I’m not a data point of one. Many people who I spoke with followed a winding path to a satisfying career. If you need more convincing, read Martha Beck’s Finding Your Way in a Wild New World.
If you’re convinced but are thinking “what do I do now, I don’t even know what I’m interested in”, just experiment with one small, easy thing that you will enjoy doing. Make something with your hands. Revisit an old hobby. Do something you liked doing as a kid. Talk to a friend in a career that you may be interested in. Take a class or an evening workshop in a subject you are curious about. Read.
If you’re on the right track, more and more opportunities will open up to you, just as starting to write poetry again led to a month of writing classes and my book-in-progress.
When you’re not on the right track, you’ll lose interest or life will throw signs at you that it is time to change direction. For example, as I neared the date when I planned to quit my job, I began to doubt that a formal career in investigation was the right choice even though I enjoyed the process leading up to it. At the same time, a former coworker and I came up with a business idea and created an LLC in a blink. Several months later I realized our company wasn’t going to generate a salary and I moved onto my backup plan of consulting, which turned out to be a perfect career for me.
I didn’t cling to my initial idea out of stubbornness or misplaced determination. I was open to each new opportunity and was willing to move forward or change my plans as I went along. I like the metaphor of walking on a path with a lantern that only illuminates the step you’re at and where to place your feet next.
For example, if you are interested in making elaborate, one-of-a kind cakes, you don’t have to buy a bakery or launch a catering business. Have a friend or two commission desserts from you and if you enjoy it, do more. You might find that you only want to bake cakes for your loved one’s birthdays because it is a creative outlet and you feed off of their gratitude. Maybe you’ll realize you don’t want to make cakes for strangers, you don’t want to bake at all in the summer, and you really don’t want to produce a customer’s requested design if it isn’t a style you’re interested in.
When you pay attention, the universe will give you nudges in the right direction. What matters is that you are taking action. You are signaling that you are open to discovering a new path, one step at a time. If it leads you to another step forward– great! If you dislike it, or the choice generates negative results, then pursue your other interests.
If you’re one of those people who want to quit their jobs in two years, be clear about your intention. Then take one small action and you’re on your way.
Some Career Transitions Take Longer Than Others
Some career transitions take longer than others. Leaving a project management role at one company for another may be a matter of updating your LinkedIn profile, and making connections with recruiters, and performing well in interviews.
Wholesale career changes might take longer. Not much longer if you’ve got transferable skills, are allied with an influential person at the place you want to work, launch your own enterprise or are just plain lucky.
It takes longer if your new career path requires going back to school for training or degrees, or means taking an entry-level job to gain experience in an unfamiliar field. But time is relative and two or three years of learning the ropes at a low-paying, low-stress, starter position might be the perfect transition between a job you hated and a new career that you’ll love for the rest of your working years.
I worked with a guy who transitioned from a six-figure sales job into a lower paid marketing role to build a career with more opportunities. He is savvy and worked hard, and six years later I bet he’s earning more than he did in sales and enjoying his life much better. Another friend moved from a lucrative engineering role to finance because it gives him the experience and credibility he needs for his next career move.
If you dream of a different career but are afraid that it will take too long or cost too much to get there, remember that you can start building the skills you need right now, before you quit. Take a night class. Volunteer in a related field. Go to events focused on your career topic and network. Ask people already in the roles you want to give you thirty minutes for an informational interview, where you ask them what skills and experience are needed to get started, what they actually do each day, and whether they like it or not.
I’ve done all of these things with great results. A series of informational interviews was how I learned early in my career that I wanted to focus on business, marketing and writing, and not on graphic design. I earned my MBA in five years of evening classes, and went to work each morning applying the knowledge I had just learned. I went to conferences and exchanged dozens of business cards with recruiters, executives and friendly people who I connected with. I’m still in touch with many of them.
If you’re still not convinced, read Jennifer Lesher’s blog post from May 20th, where she describes the transition from tech to airplanes. Can you feel her joy? Imagine yourself feeling the same way.
Regaining Confidence After a Bad Work Experience
Bad jobs can hurt our souls. Humans thrive on contributing to things larger than ourselves, being productive, positive interactions with others and recognition for our efforts. A job is much more than a means to pay the bills.
When a rotten manager tells you your work isn’t good enough – or you’re not good enough, it wounds your spirit. When coworkers blame and shame you, it rips little holes in your psyche. Even if you know that you add value to your company and that you do good work, even if you think your managers and their minions are idiots — constant negative feedback is damaging.
Many people who I’ve spoken with about quitting their jobs told me they lost confidence in themselves because of bad work experiences. These are people who have grown their careers, earned advanced degrees, or led initiatives that made millions of dollars for their companies. Some of them have tough reputations, and aren’t especially sensitive to criticism. Yet the negativity they endured made them unsure of themselves.
If you haven’t experienced a job like this and you’re not close to someone who has, you might be thinking, “If they were such great workers, why did their managers treat them so poorly?” Well, that is the reality of many organizations – whether military, education, corporate, religious or any other field — there is dysfunction. Often a team needs a scapegoat to blame for poor results, or to use as a target to vent their own insecurity and anger. Sometimes it is the company culture. Sometimes it is just crazy-making.
Feeling insecure about your value as an employee is not a great state to be in when searching for a new job. Interviewers can smell fear, and if you’re questioning your abilities, you may settle for a job you don’t want or accept a lower salary than you deserve.
It took some people two or three years to regain their confidence and self-esteem after a terrible job, regardless of whether they were fired or quit on their own. Ugh. That is too long to let the jerks continue to have power over you. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. The people who bounced back quickly have this advice:
- Take back your power right now. Remind yourself as many times a day as you need to that this is your life. You get to choose whether you tell your coworkers “don’t talk to me like that” or quietly plot your exit while biting your tongue.
- You are more than your job. You are not your title, your company, or your salary. You are a whole person with many parts to your life. Know that your value as a human being is based on many things, but how your boss treats you is not one of them.
- You have skills and talents. When you feel low because you only hear what your manager thinks you are doing wrong, remember what you are good at. Write a list of your positive work traits if you need to. Take the Strength Finders test. Think of all you have accomplished in the past. When you’re scanning the job listings or updating your resume, this is the frame of mind to be in.
If you’ve left a horrible job or are currently in one, I hope you hold onto your self-worth and use what you’ve learned about the experience. You may come out on the other side with clearer boundaries, greater awareness of your strengths, and the confidence that comes from knowing that actually you are the boss of your own life.
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