Living Your Values
Everything is an Illusion
On Monday evening between work and an association meeting, I rushed to the grocery store to pick up the staples I’d run out of: juice, organic greens, carrots, milk and Ben & Jerry’s. I went to my usual grocery store, where I know exactly where everything is, so it should have taken me ten minutes. I roll my carts fast.
The first stop was the juice cooler at the end of the aisle next to the produce department. No Suja green juice for my breakfast smoothies. I turned the corner where they have a smaller juice cooler. Nope. I wheel down the aisle where I know there are other coolers and see different kinds of juice, but no Suja. I look up and down at every shelf. Fine. I put three bottles of other brands in my cart.
Back to the produce. Where the hell are the organic baby carrots? They are not where they usually are, they are not under the big banner that says “organic” and they are not by the six different kinds of non-organic carrots. After speed-wheeling around the entire produce section I get the regular carrots. They’re probably Monsanto, pesticide-laden, nutrient-deprived, flavorless sticks, but whatever. I was in a hurry.
At this point I notice the irritation I felt transform into rage. They have rearranged the store so that it looks almost the same as it used to, except they have moved or stopped carrying what I always buy.
There are so few things we can count on in life, and I was completely unprepared that knowing where things are in the grocery store was no longer one of them.
As I observed my inner rage, I limited my exterior reaction to a scowl on my face. I also acknowledged that since I was proud of myself for noticing my anger with detachment, I was both progressing in my spiritual enlightenment and still had enough work to do on my ego to continue hanging on Eckhart Tolle’s every word. Love him!
I continued scowling with detached rage towards the prewashed organic greens. I had to slow down to a normal grocery cart rolling pace so I could find the juicing greens that I wanted in an area that had tripled the number of lettuce containers. It took longer than usual to find what I wanted, but I did, and then was off to the dairy aisle. Along the way, I found a section of organic baby carrots, but said screw it, I was not going to backtrack all the way through the produce section to swap out one bag of carrots.
Thankfully, the milk and Ben & Jerry’s were where they should be. Although I was about to say something funny-sarcastic to a guy standing in front of the freezer, blocking my access. Then I recognized him as one of my neighbors and told him what I was about to say and we both laughed and chatted for a while.
At the checkout counter, the cashier asked if I found everything ok, and I said no, because a lot of stuff had moved and also there wasn’t any Suja juice in the now four separate juice locations. He called someone on one of those phones they have at their counters and then told me “Chris says we don’t stock that brand.” I told him I used to buy it RIGHT THERE, pointing at the juice cooler. He went on to tell me Chris has been at this store for twenty years, and if he says they didn’t stock it, he knows what he’s talking about.
I noticed with detachment that this isn’t very friendly customer service but I wasn’t even angry any more. I just wanted to pay so I could get home in time to unload the groceries and get to my meeting.
Then Chris appears with two small bottles of Suja juice and said they must be out of stock of the big bottles. My ego was so happy that the cashier was proven wrong that I lost several spiritual growth points.
Then the cashier handed me a card to take an online survey and said that if I rated them a 10 in customer service I would be entered to win a $100 gift card. That was so weird given the experience we had shared that for a moment I lost my ego completely. I was just pure consciousness, observing how strange humans are; how everything is an illusion.
And then I snapped out of it and ran my cart out to my car so I could get my ice cream home before it melted.
Because Tove Lo Made Eating Dinner in the Bathtub Acceptable
When Tove Lo sings about eating dinner in the bathtub, I’m thinking “right on!” Now that is a great time-saving life hack. I also admire her determination to get over her broken relationship, but cannot recommend using the rest of her lyrics as advice.
I once thought doing a parody of Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” would be fun, but only got as far as standing on a bar room chair before I got yelled at by the bouncer. I didn’t even get to the dancing on the table tops part. It was good night, anyway. I played tambourine on stage with the band. Percussion instruments are my specialty.
Anyway, I mention that as another example of gleaning the wisdom wherever you can while having the sense to ignore the parts that are going to get you thrown out of a club or desperately picking up daddies on the playground. In case it isn’t clear, those parts are NOT good advice to emulate; they are the parts to ignore.
Anyway, back to eating dinner in the bathtub. As I mentioned in my recent blog post, I’m all for drinking coffee in the shower, or even making coffee while reclining in bed. Showering is not recommended for most solid foods, however, because obviously you’re risking your meal disintegrating in front of your eyes. A bath is more logical for solid foods, especially pizza or boxed chocolates because they are easy to grip and less likely to become blended with your bath oils. Tove Lo knows what she’s talking about here.
Dinner’s over; sleepy time!
A commenter suggested upgrading the bedside coffee hack to include a mini-fridge in place of a traditional nightstand in order to make a complete breakfast. This shows real ingenuity, especially because it broadens the options for eating dinner in bed as well. If you’re having such a hard time waking up in the morning that you have to make breakfast in bed, you are also probably tired enough to go to bed at dinner time.
Taking the evening meal in bed has endless possibilities because you can prepare any food that you want in the kitchen first and then take it to bed on a plate or a wad of paper towels. If you have life hacked your way up to mini-fridge-nightstand status, even better. Skip the kitchen and make dinner in bed, too. That hour that you would have spent preparing, consuming and cleaning up after a meal translates into an extra hour in bed. Who’s not up for that?!
I’ve been a fan of eating dinner in bed for a long time. A full stomach makes one tired, so you’re on your way to falling asleep quickly. And on the other hand, if you take your laptop to bed in the evening, you might as well maximize your multitasking by answering emails or posting on Facebook while eating. Tip: taking breaks to clean your fingers with a wet wipe will prevent your keyboard from getting greasy.
Years ago, someone said to me, “I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers.” The compliment was totally lost on me – Southerners and their Southern charm! Because it is totally normal and expected to eat crackers in bed. Anything you can eat out of the container it came in is a natural bedtime food choice.
I regularly settle under the covers for the night with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or a box of crackers. It’s not like I eat junk food all the time, unlike Tove Lo and her Twinkies. I often choose gluten-free crackers. Sometimes I’ll even eat raw carrots; as many as will fit into an improvised paper towel baggie.
So there you have it. Just as coffee in bed immediately upon waking is recommended to jump-start your day, so is ending it on a comforting note by snuggling under the covers with your dinner.
Well. I guess there’s one more thing. Remember that you can find wisdom in just about anything if you’re looking for it. Just be sure to separate out the helpful information from the bad advice.
Time to Get Up!
Alarm clocks: friend or foe?
Is it hard to get out of bed in the morning? Maybe you’re exhausted, you’re depressed, your allergies are acting up, you dread getting up because you hate your job…whatever the reason is a lot of people have a hard time getting out of bed.
There are many ways to force yourself to get up, but if it feels like punishment you’re not being kind to yourself. Booming alarm clocks that startle you awake are effective, but what a crappy way to wake up! Setting the alarm clock across the room might also force you to get up, but then do you hit snooze and get back under the cozy covers and repeat until you’re really tired and really late for work?
As with almost any obstacle, you can find options that encourage and support you instead of bullying yourself. Celebrate small wins. If you wake up tomorrow and feel like you can’t get out of bed, I bet you can sit up and lean against your pillows – that’s a start. Then maybe flip the light on. Then you might try grabbing your smartphone off the nightstand and start answering work emails until your brain is engaged enough to get up.
These or any one of a hundred creative ideas or small steps could be the solution to leaving the comfort of your bed to start your work day.
During the last two weeks I’ve been focused on a big project that required more working hours and energy than is ideal for me. I was extra tired in the morning, but still wanted to get up and get right to work. I needed a boost, but was determined to find a positive solution that felt like I was being helpful to myself – not mean.
Waking up and smelling the coffee.
This is how my Keurig coffee pot ended up on my nightstand.
I filled the water reservoir before I went to sleep. When my alarm clock went off, I either hit snooze or turned it off. But I also leaned over and turned on the Keurig, put in a coffee pod, and started brewing. Even if I was still lying down, I associate the smell of fresh coffee with getting moving in the morning and my mind started waking up. When the cup was brewed, I had little creamers ready to go. I couldn’t drink my coffee lying down, so I had to sit up. From there, it was much easier to take the cup of coffee into the bathroom and start getting ready for work. If you haven’t had coffee in the shower yet, you’re missing out!
Whatever you experiment with to make your obstacles easier, I hope you do it in a way that is fun and supportive.
Rest well my sleepy friends, and wake with ease and a positive start to your day.
Is Your Job Making You a Jerk?
Is Your Job Making You a Jerk? Here are a several signs of jerk behavior:
- Are you impatient with your coworkers and staff?
- Do you blurt out statements instead of thinking about how to phrase your communication in a way that will allow others to listen without getting defensive or hurt?
- Do you put a lot of effort into presenting yourself as if you are happier and calmer than you are?
- Do you frequently vent your frustration or complain to others?
If so, either you were already a jerk, or your job is not bringing out your best behavior. If you think that deep down you’re a nice person, or you used to be, there’s hope.
We’ve all heard the phrase “a toxic work environment.” Except instead of your bloodstream being poisoned by toxic chemicals in a non-OSHA approved factory, your soul is poisoned by absorbing too much negativity in the workplace. It might stem from a manager who rules by fear, or takes out his own fears on you. It might come from a team of colleagues who fill meeting rooms with hostility. Or there are office bullies and back-stabbers to contend with.
It might be that your official duties make no sense, you’re required to work so many hours that you’re constantly exhausted, or you’ve seen enough coworkers fired that you’re just waiting until the axe falls on you.
If you are surrounded by negativity you probably aren’t the friendly person everyone wants to eat lunch with in the cafeteria. It is draining to put effort into positive behavior when you are miserable at work. Over time, you lose your capacity to control it. You may be low on the scale that spans from “occasionally rude” to “a monster from hell”, but why be on the jerk scale at all if you can help it?
On the other hand, if you are non-stop cheerful despite working in a terrible environment, that is…not normal. You’ve either attained enlightenment or are detached from reality. Better to acknowledge the truth and then take action to change it.
So what is the solution?
Quit.
Think about it: if you actually worked in a factory full of toxic chemicals, wouldn’t the best way to avoid poisoning your body be to stop exposing yourself to the toxins?
If you aren’t ready or willing to quit immediately, you can do a few things to protect yourself in the meantime. First, make a plan to quit! Save money, update your resume, network – you know the basics. Having a plan reminds yourself that you are empowered to make choices for your own life and that you are on a path leading to a better job.
Next, go ahead and vent – but only to one or two trusted coworkers who see the work environment the same way you do. Being able to tell someone about the crazy business decision that your boss just made will make you feel better, but only if your coworker gets why it is crazy and validates your frustration. Having a friend in the workplace who you can speak openly to without repercussions helps burn off that negative energy. It can also keep you from complaining to the wrong people – the people who are not on your side.
Finally, consider Dale Carnegie’s 30 principles from his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. All of the principles are useful to become a friendlier person and a more effective worker. My personal favorite is number 12: “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.” When your jerk behavior gets the best of you, immediately apologize to the person you offended. Apologies show that you’re human, humble, and trying your best.
If your job is making you a jerk, know that it doesn’t have to be that way. You deserve a better workplace and a better attitude. Take steps to detox the negativity from your system. And be nice.
The Entrepreneur Tax
I finally filed my income taxes a few days ago. Normally I like to do my own taxes. I know; it’s a quirk. I’m process-driven and I like going step by step, adding up the income, subtracting the deductibles.
This year, doing my taxes sucked.
I had my company’s taxes completed by a professional, but this is the first year that I did my income taxes as a business owner. It was also the first year that I had to pay a big tax bill. I thought that I had managed my books throughout the year pretty well, with help from an accountant. I wanted to be sure I followed all the IRS rules, and am not interested in trying to avoid paying my fair share of taxes. I have no idea why, but for some reason I thought that owning a business would make my taxes much lower than when I was a W-2 employee.
Surprise! In a bad way!
When my taxes were done and filed, I came to terms with the fact that my net earnings were less as an entrepreneur than they had been as an employee. I realized how much having a 401(K) reduced my taxes in the past. Contributing to an IRA on my own did not help nearly as much this year.
By the time I pay for licenses, insurance, and healthcare among other things that were covered when I was a W-2 employee, my expenses are higher now. And when I “get to” pay expenses from my business account, it is coming from the income I earned, which leaves less for my salary.
I learned a few things that will help me be smarter about managing my tax liabilities this year, so that’s good. And I’m still glad I’m an entrepreneur and not an employee, so that’s also good! And of course, it’s up to me to find clients, set my rates and work billable hours.
I should also mention that while my net income was lower, I also worked about half as many hours as I had in my last full-time employee role. Some of that was downtime between clients. But most of it was because I was no longer working 12 or more hours day after day. If I run the numbers this way…I actually came out ahead. I came out ahead financially, mentally, emotionally and physically. The entrepreneur tax sounds much more appealing now, doesn’t it?
Death and Taxes
My entire plan for last weekend revolved around two things. The first was to attend a memorial service for a friend that I used to be very close to. I couldn’t imagine not being there to support him and pay tribute to his family. The second part of my weekend was set aside for starting, finishing and filing my taxes.
Death and taxes – that was what was certain about my weekend.
Then I got a message that changed my plans. I packed a bag, got in the car, and drove out of town to visit a sick family member in the hospital. I stayed the weekend, driving back home on Monday morning in time for a business meeting.
Nothing is certain to happen exactly the way we think it will. The more open we are to possibilities, the more flexibility we have to react to changing circumstances.
One More Thing Before I Quit
When you’re planning to leave your job, there’s one more thing you may want to add to your checklist.
Besides saving extra money, planning for your future healthcare, making sure you leave with all the compensation you’re entitled to, and all the other tasks like getting your personal data off of your company’s computer, writing a positive goodbye email, and so on, there’s one more thing.
But only you know what it is.
Whether you’re unhappy in your current job, or just ready to move on, there’s probably something you want to accomplish before you’re done there. It could be finally learning a new skill that you had been avoiding or completing a project that gives you credibility for your next role. It could be finishing a program or product that you’ve been immersed in, and want to see through to the end.
Maybe you’re finally ready to apologize to a colleague to resolve a mistake you made in the past. It could be standing up to a workplace bully to prove to yourself that you won’t accept that kind of behavior. Or, establishing boundaries with your manager to reclaim your sense of personal power.
You know what it is. Add it to your list. Go do it.
Mmmh, popsicle
Dogs, Communication, and Letting Go of Expectations
She’s cute but she’s going to tell you exactly how it is.
I’m not an anthropomorphist. I appreciate all sentient beings’ abilities to communicate in their own ways. However, I got caught up in imposing my own idea for entertaining my parents’ dog Ruby when they visited recently. And as a result, got to experience how Ruby communicated her different outlook on the situation.
Normally when I visit my parents’ house, I bring a dog cookie from a local pet supply store. They are baked, healthy, and shaped as hearts, footballs and cupcakes, coated with a yogurt frosting. Ruby loves these cookies. First she will take one and hide it somewhere, like under a couch cushion. Then she’ll retrieve it to show it off to the humans in the house before hiding it somewhere new. If she remembers where she hid one, she’ll eat it at some point. Otherwise my mom will find one in her purse one day, or in the toe of a slipper.
A prized doggie cookie.
When my parents visited me with Ruby, I thought it would be fun to take her to the pet store and let her get a cookie directly from the source.
Ruby is an adorable white, waggie puff of a dog. She loves to greet friends and strangers alike, but has mixed feelings about other canines. As we went in the store, the owner’s large, old huskie was lying on the doormat. His dog isn’t always there, but when he is I like to stop and pet him for a while. But this time I wasn’t sure how Ruby would react, so the owner shuffled his big dog behind the counter.
Then as my mom and I were debating which cookie was the cutest, Ruby pooped on the doormat. The owner took it well, but we were so embarrassed.
And because I go through life experiencing situations as metaphors and parables, I realized that I had created an unrealistic expectation of Ruby. In my mind, I imagined she would be excited to get her favorite cookie at the store where I buy them. In reality, Ruby was concerned about letting the owner’s dog know that she was making her mark on his space.
Ruby’s direct communication was a reminder that having a positive attitude about any event and hoping it will go well is fine, but all kinds of things are beyond our control. Other people (and animals) act on their own autonomy and unexpected factors are part of many situations. Things may not turn out the way we envision them.
So there’s the moral of the story. If you fixate on the outcome of events instead of letting them unfold as they will, sometimes all you end up with is shit on the carpet.
“Yes I want the cookie but I’m just going to poop here so the other dog knows I’m no pushover. ‘kay? Cool.”
Did Your Manager Go to the Dark Side?
As I researched the topic of people quitting their jobs, I heard a lot of stories about evil managers. No surprise, right? Unfortunate employees across all industries had tales of harassment, corruption, and behavior that would be shocking if it wasn’t so prevalent.
The saddest stories I heard were the ones about bosses that didn’t used to be evil. Their ex-employees told me that some of them used to be great. They were effective leaders who clearly communicated expectations and treated their staff with respect. There was mutual trust and positive manager/employee interactions.
What made these bosses go to the dark side?
- The managers’ workloads skyrocketed and they did not have the support of their own bosses.
- They were promoted to higher levels and as their egos inflated, their people skills declined.
If you have a boss who turned evil and you’re clinging to the shreds of the person he or she used to be, your odds aren’t good. I only heard one story about a bad boss who became more supportive of her staff as her home life improved. But she was one who started out evil. I didn’t find any stories of people making it back from the dark side once they crossed over.
It can be cathartic to share stories of nasty bosses, but I’d rather learn something from these scenarios. First, if you’re reporting to a bad boss, you know it probably won’t get better. Now is a good time to start planning your next career move.
Second, there’s an opportunity for self-reflection and choice. When I worked in a difficult environment and was constantly stressed, scrambling to meet last-minute deadlines, and exhausted, I didn’t have my full set of interior resources to draw upon. It took much more effort and energy to put the Dale Carnegie and Emotional Intelligence skills I’d learned to use. I had less time to help others and less patience with mistakes. I didn’t like that my behavior and attitude could be negatively impacted by my job. When I changed careers, one of my priorities was to work in environments that enabled the best version of me to show up more often than not.
Leave the evil bosses behind.
And when you grow your own career, remember the warning signs. Don’t go to the dark side.
She Quit Her Teaching Job to Become a Coach, Author and…Teacher
Many people take a winding path when they quit their jobs to do something more meaningful. I’ve written about my own journey that took a number of unexpected turns before I began my consulting business.
It might run in the family! My sister, Kristen Sutich, left her long-time job as a kindergarten teacher in the summer of 2013. She became a certified coach, starting a business that focuses on clients with grief issues and or parents of young school children.
Those areas might overlap – I know plenty of kids who give their parents grief!
While Kristen launched her coaching business, she wrote a book of tips for parents of children who are starting kindergarten. She knew that a published book would be useful in many ways: the hard copies are something tangible she can give to clients, authoring the book demonstrates her credibility as a subject-matter-expert, and it is one more way that she can reach prospective customers.
Then, just before publishing the book she decided to start teaching at a preschool near her. She was drawn to their creative approach, started as a substitute, and quickly became a staff member.
If you had asked her in July of 2013 if she thought she would be teaching preschool a year and a half later, she would have said no – she just quit her kindergarten teaching job!
Yet, by following her interests and building on her experience, Kristen now enjoys teaching preschool, giving book readings and growing her business by connecting with people who may need her coaching services. These three roles complement and add value to each other.
If you’re leaving your current employment soon or have recently started a new career path, keep an eye out for unexpected routes. Once you start putting your time and focus on what brings meaning and enjoyment to your life, you may discover opportunities that you wouldn’t have thought of before. Opportunities that lead you closer to your happiest career yet.
P.S. You can purchase The Kindergarten Toolkit for Parents on Amazon. It manages to be cute, interesting and helpful all at the same time.
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